We are living in strange times. The coronavirus— and perhaps our smell if we haven’t bathed or left the house in a minute— has us on edge. I’ve been thinking a lot about how one handles times like this in a way that helps us all move forward instead of falling into either a pit of despair or descending into chaos.
Other than washing our hands and covering our coughs, what can we do?
We can treat our city, state, country, world, or brand new online community much like we would treat our workplace if we want to create a positive, productive culture.
If you have ever spent time in a small, community-focused non-profit, or any sort of retreat or similar environment, you have probably created community agreements at some point. They might be called “group agreements”, “safer space policies”, or even “group rules” or “ground rules” depending on the space. At this point, I honestly think that community agreements should be a part of any small gathering or group engagement. At all. Ever.
I have made community agreements many times, but recently did this with my, originally in-person, now remote, class at RISD this semester and I asked them if they’d ever had a professor do community agreements with them and they all said no. Which is wild to me because they are so helpful. In surveying my students about our future remote class time together, one student said that they had never spoken in any class their entire time at RISD. This was their first time and they were sad that it was over. That, my friends, is the power of community agreements.
“We can treat our city, state, country, world, or brand new online community much like we would treat our workplace if we want to create a positive, productive culture.”
I know folks who take themselves super seriously or who are a little buttoned-up might see this as too touchy-feely, or something, but hey… that’s kinda the point. If you think this is too touchy-feely, you need to do a self-assessment and think about what kind of message your mentality towards creating a positive environment might really be and how that reads to your staff, clients or customers, or students. And I will say this— I am NOT a touchy-feely person at all. I am not a hugger and I can’t even handle yoga. So, there’s that.
ANYWAY.
Let’s get to creating community agreements.
First, why create community agreements? Well, the whole point of community agreements really is to get everyone on the same page regarding behavior. It helps build trust among folks in a space, no matter whether it’s a workplace, a band, a neighborhood (during a crisis, or hopefully before!), or brand new online community. If people know what to expect from others, they don’t have to navigate it wondering how others will act or tiptoe around guessing what to do. Trust is super important if folks are working together (generally, but especially on uncomfortable or sensitive topics)— they need to learn how to be vulnerable together in order to get their work done. People are people and they need to know they can be themselves at work, or if they are working with others in a crisis situation.
How do we create community agreements? It is generally best to co-create them with a group in its first meeting. This builds buy-in, as everyone has been a part of identifying what’s important for the group to work together. However, if that is not possible, or if it’s a quiet group, having a list of a few in your back pocket (like those listed below) can be helpful to get the conversation going. If you are co-creating them, it is great to be able to tease things out of folks a bit, too. So, when someone says “respect”, you can say, “tell me more about that” instead of writing down a super broad idea on a flip chart (Respect others? Respect the space? Respect yourself? What does each one look like in action?). It’s good to have an agreement that is operationalized a bit or otherwise actionable.
What are some examples of community agreements? I’m going to start here by sharing a few common agreements, which are often used in meeting facilitation. None of these are my original ideas, by any means! Here’s a short list, then I’ll go into more detail below:
Respect people’s experiences and backgrounds
Assume best intentions
Intentions do not equal impact
Make space, take space
One diva, one mic
No one knows everything, but together we know a lot
Use “I” statements
What’s said here stays here, what’s learned here leaves here
Be present
Stretch, don’t strain
Be a croissant, not a bagel
Don’t yuck my yum
Take care of yourself
Obviously, some of these are more relevant in-person, than online (if you’ve ever been a member of a Facebook Group, some of these will look familiar there, as well). Many of these can be adapted to a variety of spaces. Also note most of these use positive, rather than negative language. There is no aggressive, “NO this or that”— it’s instead framed in terms of what you WANT to see, rather than what you DON’T want to see.
Let’s break these down.
Respect people’s experiences and backgrounds. We recognize that in most cases, folks in a group will come from a variety of backgrounds and experiences. Notice I said, “respect difference” rather than “tolerate differences”. I honestly don’t know how the word “tolerate” was originally a part of the conversation around diversity and equity, but here we are. Saying you tolerate someone means that you are dealing with their differences, even though you probably don’t want to. Saying that you respect them is very different!
Assume best intentions. Especially in this unprecedented time, it is important to understand that people are— for the most part— really, really trying. People are doing the best they can. Especially in sensitive conversations, it’s possible that some people might not have the same language as others. It might be that they a) literally speak different languages, b) are working in different fields with different jargon, or c) have different types of education on the topic at hand. People have a lot going on in their lives, especially right now. We don’t know exactly what their specific stressors or experiences might be, but they might be framing the way they come into the space and the capacity they have in those conversations.
Intentions do not equal impact. Just because we are assuming others’ best intentions, it does not give them free rein to say whatever they want. It’s important for folks to recognize that just because they have positive intentions in their words or actions, those words or actions might harm others.
Make space, take space. This agreement is sometimes also stated as “step up, step back” or something similar. The idea here is that if you are a person who tends to talk a lot or take up a lot of space (especially if you are a person with a lot of privilege), it is good to step back and make space for others. If you are a person who tends to talk less (especially if you are a part of an oppressed group), if you feel comfortable, your voice is valued and should be heard.
One diva, one mic. One person talks at a time. This is pretty straightforward, but can look different in different contexts. If you are in a work meeting, refraining from interrupting someone is super important. But this can also happen in a virtual context. If one person is asking a question and is interrupted by someone who is changing the topic or turning the conversation to themselves, that is also a problem.
No one knows everything, but together we know a lot. None of us has experienced this particular situation before. We are all navigating it together. None of us knows what we are doing. But we can combine our expertise to help work through it together! This is super important right now, but is also important in a work context. We don’t always have to present as though we know all the answers. We don’t. Even if we are the boss. As a workplace, we can share what we know with others to get us to where we need to go.
Use “I” Statements. We are speaking from our own experience. It is the only thing we can ever do. We can’t speak for others. This is part of the reason why it is important to move beyond a homogenous workplace. It’s important to speak with “I” statements, but if everyone is very similar, our collective viewpoint will be very narrow. And in our current corona-reality, we can’t assume we know others’ experiences or what they are going through.
What’s said here stays here, what’s learned here leaves here. Confidentiality is important for trust. In spaces where sensitive information might be shared (online or in-person), this is very important. But it’s also important to take what we learn when we are together out into the world and share it (online or in-person).
Be present. This is obviously a very difficult one right now. I am typing this 10 feet from my 4-year-old talking like a robot while he and my partner make muffins, loudly, in the kitchen. My dog is on the couch licking himself. Also loudly. I have 36 tabs open on my computer. In this scenario, the best way I can be present is to put on my headphones and focus on this one document without touching my tabs or my phone. It’s the best I can do for now. In-person, this might mean focusing on the conversation at hand, rather than having a side conversation, or a virtual side conversation on your phone. Put your phone down. For a second. When I am on child shift, rather than work shift, later today, I will try to put my phone down, stay away from the news, and make a cool Lego monster with my 4-year-old.
Stretch, don’t strain. In order for us to learn or make change, we need to push ourselves. That is clear. But if you push yourself too far, you might totally shut down and that isn’t helpful. As we are all stretched right now, it’s okay to take a break (from work, from the news, from family) to recoup so you can move forward. Of course, we are all thinking about how we can help our communities right now. And we might stretch to do so. But we don’t want to get so exhausted that we aren’t able to help anyone.
Be a croissant, not a bagel. This is my absolute favorite and it can have different meanings in different spaces. In person, think about how you stand in a conversation with other people. Do you all stand in a circle like a bagel? If so, how can someone else join the conversation? Open up and become a croissant, so others can join in. I think this agreement loosely means- be open and inclusive. Virtually, that means making sure the space is inclusive to others— do they have access to the appropriate technology? Do they need translation or captioning? Are you considering others’ perspectives in conversations? How open are you to new ideas? How can you make the space as open and inclusive as possible? In your community, how can you help people who might not already be a part of your conversation— or your neighborhood?
Don’t yuck my yum. If someone else likes something you don’t like (like a band or a sports team or something) you don’t have to tell them. Literally no one needs to know. By making those comments, you are creating a less inclusive space.
Take care of yourself. (And others if you can). Whether we are working to heal ourselves globally, create a better workplace, or a virtual space, we need to take care of ourselves. And this can look different for different people. This does not necessarily mean the traditional notions of self-care you hear about: a bubble bath or giving yourself a manicure or something. Though that’s great if it works for you. But it can also mean stepping out of the room if you need to. Shutting off the news if you need to. There has also been a move towards the concept of “community care”. This means that if you have the capacity to do so, caring for others in your lives. It means acknowledging that we can’t do everything by ourselves. And at some point, we will all need help from others (shout out to my partner who just brought a muffin to me while I’m working!). While we are currently fairly isolated, we need each other, even virtually, to really care for ourselves and to make collective change in our workplaces, communities, and world in the world.
Once you have created your community agreements it’s helpful to have them somewhere that is visible or easily accessible. And it’s helpful to return to them at the beginning of each new engagement or when a new person joins the group. It is also helpful to revisit them occasionally to see if they need to be updated. From a facilitation standpoint, one of the best things about creating community agreements is that if something seems to be going off the rails a bit, you can turn to them to bring people back into the shared expectations of the space. And since they helped create the expectations, folks are highly likely to positively adjust their behavior.
So, with that, what other community agreements have you used or might be helpful— in either an in-person or online environment? What community agreements do we need as a culture to help us through this particular time? Send me an email and I will follow up here or on my podcast!